“The Wii”

Graphic by: Federica

The wii and I  had a fight.
Definitely there were disagreements for a while , but today it was much worse.
For those who don’t know what the wii is, well it is an instrument that lazy and antisocial people like me, use to stay in good shape  and avoid taking the form of the sofa.
It works in this way: there is a base, where you insert the cd (wii fitness, in this case), an interactive remote control that usually the tv doesn’t detect and you end up doing the signals epileptic-style, and a platform called balance board that speaks! I swear, it speaks, it’s not just me that hears it….
I think.

For a couple of years now, our relationship has been quite close, more or less daily … despite my dislike for activities that begin before 9 am, for almost two years (irregular rhythms I admit) I woke up at 8:30, had breakfast and put on the talking platform to try to keep myself healthy ..
The program involves the use of a wii virtual personal trainer, you can choose between SHE and HE. I preferred SHE because being a woman I though she can understand me better, perhaps if I’m going crazy because I have my period, or if I curse her because of the position of the downward facing dog it’s foolishness – dogs never go into that position so why the hell would you call it that???????
And then she doesn’t make faces if I come to class with my hair in a bun, no-man pyjama and the shape of a cushion printed on my face!
So, me and SHE started our journey, setting our the goals, namely, I give myself goals, SHE tries to help me to complete them using techniques that I’m not completely sure aren’t against Human Rights about the principle of not being tortured..

The disagreements began one morning in August, it was hot, I was already nervous about being eaten alive by mosquitoes and SHE does not show up!
On comes HE, without any note, and says “sorry, but today I’ll be here, ‘cause ” hername ” has too much to do, and now let’s get started with our training.”
WHAT ????? SHE has too much to do? What is she supposed to be doing at 8:45 in a morning in August ???
I decide not to argue and follow HIS orders, the crazy maniac makes me do an inhumane chore, he makes me RUN, I DO NOT RUN, it is against my values, but HE doesn’t listen to any reason and in the end I have to run or he takes away my level points and at the end of the lesson I’m splattered on the ground like a beaten egg, praying that the shower arrives before I liquefy and get the floor dirty.

For a couple of days I allow myself not to take lessons and lounge about instead, (especially since I had no more brain-limb coordination because of agonising muscle pain), when I return to the wii lesson I get a scolding, and I wanted to tell her that SHE is “the” rude one because she did not warn me of her absence in advance, but I realise that I was being scolded by a machine and so there is no way to reply!

A couple of months later, on a Saturday morning,( I remember it because it was an exception to my rule to only exercise from Monday to Friday, leaving the weekend to catch up on all the lost calories), SHE gives me another whammy. I turn the program and SHE isn’t there!

But this time there is not even HIM, I am going to turn off and try again, thinking there’s a loading error when SHE comes running in, all out of breath, and says “Hey excuse the delay, but last night I was out late and I did not hear my alarm clock” .

Speechless!
Is she saying that meanwhile the night before when I had suffered zapping television at home , SHE went out until morning ???? Even the wii has more of a social life than me ????

Shaken by this shocking awareness ,  I do my training and after I start to program the next month like I were Paris Hilton and I could not miss an event, a party, a show.
Since then, though, our relations have cooled off, a little because my mornings are occupied more than ever, a little because I’m still irritated.

After a month of total neglect, I decided to return, and SHE greets me like this: “Hello, I notice that you have been very inconstant and haven’t reached your goal, we can program another one but this time try to achieve it.”
Maybe it’s just my impression, but the sarcasm with which she uttered the last sentence was the last straw. Enough, it’s over. I decided to enrol at a real gym with a real trainer.

Of course then I would have a set time and with the little jobs that I do it is like a nightmare to be clamped, and I couldn’t go there in my pyjamas with a smudge of jam on the lip, I could never curse the coach in every known language and, most importantly I’d have to interrelate with a number of 60-65 year old ladies more vigorous than me, that at 8.30 most probably have already: remade the beds, swept and dusted the house, prepared a meal for themselves, their husband, their children, their grandchildren and for the army returning from a peace mission, they have for sure already chatted with neighbours on the latest gossip of the neighbourhood, done waxing, the moustache, washed bathrooms, accompanied grandchildren to school, accused a young man randomly saying “in my day it was different”,  have been shopping and put the order away in the pantry, while I’m still wondering how I got out of bed to the kitchen, who has paid for the milk because I don’t even remember that I opened the fridge or if I put on socks of the same colour having found them with my eyes still half-closed after sleeping!

 

Looking back, I think I’m going to smooth things over with the wii.